Finally spoken to Ray regarding his best man speech. Asked him to tone it down for the sake of children and a couple of over protective grandparents. His response? "You'll just have to warn everyone!" Please help!!!???!!

Jazz and I are going through a rough patch at the moment. Nothing serious but mainly a mix of wedding and work worries with a little bit of sleep deprivation thrown in for good measure. Therefore, we're having a dry spell and apparently all this together equals severe snapiness and jumping at the opportunity to grate on each other. Don't get me wrong we're still having some good times like the other night when we chatted for hours just like at the beginning of any good relationship. But my subconscious appears more enamoured with the negative aspects. Hence, the dream!

The Dream
It's set in a very nostalgic and melancholic setting. I'm with all my old friends from school and there's a definite feeling that something's over. Anyway I end up sitting next to Hemingway and I as we catch each other's eye I mouth, "I'm sorry" (about the way we left things last time we spoke). He smiles at me and I rest my head on his shoulder for what seems ages before we decide to go for a coffee. On the way we talk about all the experiences and memories we have shared. When we get outside the coffee shop he turns to me and says, "It was never just a kiss with you." And I wake up......

When I wake up I feel comforted that everythings ok between us before clicking this was a dream. And now I have this urge to call him again. And so the cycle begins....

I know calling him will open yet another tin of worms, not to mention hang like an anvil over my future marriage. So now comes the battle of wills.

It's awkward because he seems to haunt me. I need to know why and I can never work it out. Help! Is it because I'm in love with him? Still angry at him? Miss his friendship? Or is it because we don't have 'closeure' if you will as our relationship was so on/off that it never officially ended?

My boss has just left for the day because he's so hungover from his meeting with clients yesterday (he didn't make an appearance in the office once yesterday). He gets paid ten times more than me, probably does about half the work I do and to top it all off if I did that I'd probably be sacked! Where is the justice?!

So far everything's all sorted for the big day itself except for the flowers. Whoever thought something which takes up such a tiny fraction of the event itself could cause so much havoc. Well so far these have been the reasons:
1. Too expensive - who pays £200 for one simple bouquet that they will use for all of 20 minutes?
2. We can't find a florist anywhere near the wedding venue
3. If we don't have a florist near the wedding venue the flowers may die after us spending our life savings on them
4. Best man, Ray is now unable to pick them up. Out to reak disaster I ask myself?

I think finally we have overcome all of this although not after every evening being filled with arguments and tears. If anything is going to wreck my relationship at the moment I think it may be the simple lilly.

But hey on a plus note - I have a custom made tiara winging it's way to me presently. Isn't life just peachy?!

So, something happened last night that came as some sort of a shock.

You see, you may need a bit of background info first! An ex-boyfriend of mine, Hemingway was also my best friend until he tore my heart into a million shreds (do I sound bitter yet?!) Except he didn't do this just once he did it repeatedly. He was my shoulder on my break up from DJ and weirdly, my shoulder on the repeated "I don't know if this is what I want"'s from him. (yes I know I look like the fool in all of this)

So here we are, years later and its still awkward due to a sheer ton of wine fueled messages and (not this year thank god) inappropriate kisses. Thus our once shared social platoon is now a minefield!

Unfortunately/Luckily he now lives in London so I have a slight upperhand on our old school friends. Not when he visits though then they're his! You see I can't go out and see him with Jazz as he snubs him, while Hemingway is desperately overbearing and inappropriate. And on the contrary I can't go out without Jazz because he doesn't trust Hemingway aka he doesn't think I have the capacity to decide not to go down that road again.

So what happened last night? I phone bridesmaid 2, Dimples and she cagely (although with undertones of trying too hard to be normal)tells me that her and my many other ex school friends are visiting Hemingway. Hmmm.....

I know, I know I shouldn't be annoyed but I'm bloody furious!!!

Its not that I don't understand we now get shared time with them and that it must be a nightmare for them but that I hate that they are still friends with him.

Yes it's petty and yes it's childish but when other friends (uninvolved in the horrible dynamics of these confused twentysomethings) hear the story of me and Hemingway they curse and swear and make me feel so much better.

Well hey, I guess that's what makes them so loyal. They have effortlessly sat on the fence where this is concerned for almost 3 years now - supportive on both ends! I just wish I was either breaking his heart because he was so much in love with me or they all took up camp with me.

Sexual politics!!!

I've just seen him. The former love of my life. I suppose that's what happens when you both live and work in the centre of Manchester. There I was rushing around (trying on veils and tiaras like a right nonce!) when I spotted DJ. He's 6ft 3" so its arguable who notices who first. Him looking down on me or his head sticking out of the crowd like a sore thumb?!

I won't bore you with the details of our passionate yet messy relationship or our simply messy break up without requests, but every time I see him it still hits me square between the eyes.

Its not that I'm still in love with DJ, although unfortunately I do still care about him. So if he looks down, or at the moment the fact the place he has always worked has just closed down, I feel nothing but concern.

So here goes, our chance meeting that happens way to regularly: DJ's walking through the crowd, I catch sight of him, our eyes meet (in what could be stripped from a rom com for nothing more than a second), I stare at him with this deep concern wondering if he's happy in a way that must look slighty possessed and stalkerish, and then it hits me my hairs gone frizzy/I was wearing this last time/I've no make-up on/I've ran all down the road my face must be beetroot. This is the point I look away and speed up my walk. I'm not sure if he sees this as an adversion to him or that I'm still deeply in love with him. But either way these milisecond encounters are messing with my head and quite possibly his!

I think I may get fired. There is always a risk I'm being overly paranoid but here's the facts: the boss's wife is out of a job and used to have my job, I've been here a whole month and I appear to be the slowest learner on record (I'm putting it down to the fact I hate the job not just because I'm crap) and my boss is being extra cagey this morning.

Minus the wedding I'd be more than happy to leave. In fact I kinda wish they would sack me. I've spent the past month fantasising over my middle aged (and not in a sexy Richar Gear/George Clooney kind of way) boss hoping to distract myself from my extreme boredom and misery at being stuck in a dead end job. But then just yesterday I think it finally clicked just how undesireable the wispy grey hairs on top of his bald head actually are. Not to mention the ponch protruding over his waistband and his awkward need to stare at my breasts when I'm talking to him.

Yuk! Thats the only word I can now use to cover my month long fantasy of him taking me over the desk. Trust me the aching back and squashed boobs that come with that position are so not worth it on him. So actually, yes, please sack me!! I don't even have my seedy office fantasy to drag me from Monday to Friday anymore.

My mum called this morning. There I was - 7.30 am - in the middle of straightening my hair while chewing on bran flakes (I pretend to like them because of the health benefits). What could you possibly need to talk about at that time?! Oh, of course, the wedding! What else?!!!

Before I know it she's embarked on a long winded discussion about veils, fascinators, and not to mention my all time favourite, tiaras. Just so everyone's aware I have to go and try some on during my lunchbreak. So now I have a lovely lunch to look forward to where I get to go and try on 7 year old girls' head gear in front of some obnoxious old woman. Is it wrong to just want to sling on some jeans and maybe at a push (assuming you really must wear something on your hear) a beany hat?! But no apparently I will look really pretty in a tiara. Sickly more like!

Last night Jazz read me his big speach for the wedding. He's incredibly nervous so I'm using my confidence building techniques (whatever they are) to help him out. It was actually really lovely and extremely complimentary about me. Due to our general dialogue I have to admit this surprised me. "Bloody idiot" didn't even come into it once!!

The problem? Well then he takes the piss out of himself in it and I've suddenly gone into a mass panic that I've made him feel somehow inadequate through snaps and moans. My plan? To be extra nice for the next few days and hope I don't get bored too quickly.

Now I've promised him I'll regularly help him practice it but its just making me dread 'the biggest day of my life'. Not because of the lovely speech but because of what comes after it. His best man!! Ray - Jazz's best friend. Lovely guy but unless he's planning to T total on our wedding day I fear he may leave my crying into my champagne.

I'm not sure if he doesn't like me or just feels I've stolen Jazz away. Boys, is this a possibility??? And would this mean he might use his speech to be subtily vindictive???

Ok let me introduce myself briefly before my balding old boss makes and appearance (who I have a slight crush on for the record)!

I'm 21, getting married and about to embark on a journey into maturity and responsibility. Slightly terrified, elated and slipping into sinful thoughts on a regular basis. You see I'm flaky so this is a big deal. Maybe things will all slowly tie together....